A few cases where brain cells have been in short supply

I am constantly amazed by the foolish behavior that people continually exhibit, putting themselves in avoidable situations and eventual custody. The following short story will prove my theory that there are people all around who are either starving for attention, lacking in brain cells, or both.

May 16, 7:30 a.m.
Officers responded to Ashmont and Adams Streets for a report of a man and woman arguing. On arrival they observed a 41-year-old local woman clutching a Sunday Globe claiming it as her own. But the gentleman explained that someone had been stealing his Sunday Globe right off his front porch for the past year and the thefts had caused him much money and consternation. So the man set up a video camera, which showed the paper being delivered at 5:30 a.m. and the woman stealing it at 7:15 a.m. The woman blamed a friend of hers that just so happened to look a lot like her. She was arrested for disturbing the peace and giving the officers numerous fake names and dates of birth.

June 8, 11:24 a.m.
Officer Lydon, operating a marked Boston Police cruiser down Mather Street, had to suddenly slam on his brakes to avoid a collision with a Chevy Impala that had darted out in front of the officer’s vehicle from Penhallow Street. The car was driven by a 19-year-old Brockton man and when asked for his license, he gave the officer a passport.

A check showed that he had no license at all so he was arrested for violation of the auto laws. His girlfriend, the owner of the car, was called to the scene to take custody of her vehicle and, to add insult to injury she was given a ticket for allowing an improperly licensed person to drive her car. That’s a surcharge-able (five years) ticket. The gift that keeps on giving.

June 7, 9:09 p.m.
A 50-year-old Boston man entered an Adams Village convenience store and proceeded to light up a cigarette. When the proprietor asked the gentleman to not smoke in his establishment, the man had an absolute and quite unnecessary hissy fit. He picked up a potato chip rack and threw it at one employee. Then he threw a cash register at another employee, striking her on the right wrist. The nitwit then fled down Adams Street towards Granite Avenue where he was stopped and arrested for ABDW. Anger Management, indeed!

June 23, 6:10 p.m.
A 43-year-old Dorchester ladies man was driving his 8-year-old pickup truck up Dakota Street when he pulled up alongside an 18-year-old and a 20-year-old girl whom he had not met before. He decided to try out his famous 1980’s pickup line, “Come here, baby.” The women told him where to stick his fist and they kept walking. Undeterred, Romeo turned the truck around and pulled up to the two young strangers again, but before he could attempt to “put the move” on the girls, they cussed him out and told him to leave them alone. Stunned, his pride crushed and his tail between his legs, the man picked up a large staple gun and threw it at the ladies, narrowly missing them. But what Romeo did not count on was throwing the staple gun at the girls is a felony and an arrestable offense. Also that 99.7 percent of all teenage women carry cell phones. After a quick call to 911, the man and his truck were stopped in Codman Square and he was arrested for assault by means of a dangerous weapon. Wherefor art thou, Romeo? In a C-11 cell. Nimrod.

June 23, 5:15 p.m.
Officer Fabiano was performing a paid detail directing traffic at Dorchester Avenue and Lydon Way, when she observed a 36-year-old Stoughton man, who is employed as a mechanic at a nearby auto shop, push open a large gate into oncoming traffic, narrowly missing a school bus loaded with the future of this country. Officer Fabiano alerted the man to his careless act and the mechanic responded with a brief tirade sprinkled with curse words and saying that it wasn’t his fault (everyone’s a victim). Then he stormed out. Minutes later the boob was now driving a white pickup, which he quickly backed out of Tilman Street onto Dorchester Avenue and again into oncoming rush-hour traffic. Enough is enough. The man with a problem with authority figures was stopped by Officer Fabiano and asked for his license. Of course, he had a major league meltdown about this, too; how dare the officer accuse him! More cussing and threats, and the lengthy temper tantrum was now drawing a crowd of onlookers. Additional officers arrived to assist and the 6-year-old – sorry, 36-year-old – was placed under arrest for Disturbing the Peace. Also, the pickup truck’s plate was revoked and the truck was uninsured. But remember, even though he twice put lives and livelihoods in danger, he’s the real victim in all this.

May 21, 4 a.m.
Officers responded to Greenwich Street for a report of a man breaking into a van. On arrival the officers saw a 48-year-old local leech carrying two bags and a backpack stuffed with $1,200 worth of power tools, GPS system, cell phone, cigarettes, and cell phone chargers. Being a 48-year-old man myself, I can vouch for the fact that we don’t run as fast as we used to, so he was quickly apprehended. But not before uttering this classic bit of criminal justice wisdom, “You can’t arrest me for breaking into the van; it was unlocked.” Oh, from the mouths of idiots.

Can’t believe it has been two years, Katie. Miss you, love you, think of you always. RIP.