Cleaning out the files … and a few other places

Ah, the joy of turning 50. For me it will be this coming August. Being a newbie to this decade, I’m not used to all the customs involved. For example, lately I’ve been getting a lot of mail from some group calling itself AARP. They must be affiliated with Triple AAA. There’s also another custom that my doctor suggested I try; it’s called a colonoscopy. He explained that an especially trained doctor would put a camera inside a part of my body that normally would have a sign on it reading “Off Ramp, Exit Only.” So I said I would participate in this “minor invasive procedure” and I figured “What the Hell,” let me take my loyal readers along with me. So as I write this column I will be giving periodic updates on my experience. Let’s start with this rather large container of clear liquid called Go Lightly that I was instructed to drink in order to help the camera man. (I sure hope the camera doesn’t come with a tripod.)

March 28, 8 a.m.
Officers responded to an Ashmont Hill residence for a call about trash being left in the rear of the home. On arrival, the officers discovered several black trash bags that were filled with over 100 bottles of urine. The same officers had been to the same address in August 2010 for the same problem. It seems a landlord/tenant dispute had been brewing and this was some sort of retribution or message? Urine? Anywho, Code Enforcement and Elderly Affairs were notified.

Update #1: This stuff is awful. I’ve had two glasses of the stuff and I could barely keep it from coming back up. It’s as if I dunked my glass into Tenean Beach during low tide and put a lemon wedge on the side to help make it go down easier. I figure I’ve got about eight more glasses of this stuff to go.

Feb. 25, 12:33 a.m.
Officers responded to a Walton Street apartment for a call of a loud party. The officers were greeted at the door by the owner of the apartment who stated that she was having a party for her daughter in honor of her getting off Probation. Honest to God, not graduation, but Probation. Anyway the ungrateful daughter stated to berate her mom, then her drunken boyfriend joined in. The mother stated to the officers “Get these two [bleepers] out of my home.” So the officers escorted the two [bleepers] off the property and out to Codman Square, with a warning not to come back. Minutes later the officers spotted the pair attempting to re-enter the Walton Street address when the boyfriend began screaming, “[Bleep you], I’ll go where I want to go, I know my rights!” Which is a good thing, so the officers didn’t have to read him his rights when they arrested him for Disorderly Conduct. Nitwit.

Update #2: Rumblings. Five glasses of sludge. Major rumblings.

March 17, 5:04 p.m
Officer Cardoso observed a Ford Edge blow through the red light at Savin Hill Avenue and Pleasant Street and as a result he pulled the vehicle over to issue a citation. But as the officer approached the suspect vehicle, he clearly saw through the rear window that the driver and his passenger were feverishly switching seats. Officer Cardoso asked the now passenger for his license and he responded he didn’t have a license and besides he wasn’t driving. The officer explained that he saw the suspect and his very long braided hair pull off the old seat switcheroo. The 22-year-old Roxbury man was arrested for violation of the auto laws.

Update #3: Oh my God! Who named this product Go Lightly! It should have been named Niagara Falls for total evacuation. Every time I think I’m done going I’m sprinting back to the bathroom. I’ve gone so much I wouldn’t have been shocked to see a Chilean miner fall out. I am seriously considering moving my bed into the bathroom tonight. Oh-oh gotta run.

Feb. 8, 5:30 p.m.
A call was placed to 911 for a report of a Breaking and Entering at an apartment on Draper Street. The victim reported that when she arrived home she noticed a few things in the apartment, such as a phone, had been moved from their normal areas. She also reported that $200 had been taken from a hat box in a dresser. She also stated that a video camera had been moved. She said that she had installed the camera in her room because of a previous housebreak and that the camera was motion activated every time someone walked by, sending the images to a computer. The officers checked the computer and there in living color were three pictures of the victim’s 18-year-old upstairs neighbor. The suspect was located, admitted to breaking into the home, but not taking the $200. Idiot, pure idiot.

Update #4: I survived the night and the procedure. Nothing major to report, just a little diverticulitis. As I waited for my wife to bring the car around to the front of the New England Medical Center I had only two thoughts on my mind. First, I can’t wait to eat again. And secondly, I hope all that air whipping down Washington Street isn’t coming from me! Well thanks for helping to see me through this little ordeal. See you soon.