Dumb and dumber: Criminals lock up annual Rorie Awards

Well, it’s that time of year again: Awards season. And we here in God’s country (Dorchester, U.S.A.) are in the swing of things with the 2011 Rorie Awards saluting some of our more stupid criminals.
The crowds lining Hallet Street cheer wildly as every prisoner transport vehicle shows up loaded with orange jumpsuit-wearing nominees. This year’s festivities should go by quickly unless Kirk Douglas shows up to give out an award.

On with the show! And the first Rorie Award goes to …
We’ll call this the ‘Frat Boys visit the Big City’ Award.

Jan. 14, 2:23 a.m.
Officers responded to the corner of Coleman and Quincy Streets for a report of three men stealing a stop sign from a city pole. On arrival the suspects were missing and so was the stop sign.

Officer Zanoli stopped three impaired individuals at the intersection of Draper and Bowdoin Streets, one of whom was carrying a red and white stop sign under his arm. The sign was taken from the 20-year-old Dorchester dunce. Officers found an adjustable wrench from the front pocket of a 22-year-old Lowell loser and a large red wrench from a 21-year-old Winchester wimp.

The officers attempted to explain to the three stooges that the removal of the stop sign created a very dangerous situation for motorists as well as pedestrians. including the hundreds of children who reside or go to school in the neighborhood. The suspects responded by laughing. But they were practically crying when the cuffs went on their wrists. They were charged with larceny over $250 and possession of burglarious tools.

Jan. 19, 6:04 a.m.
A Train Street man walked out to his brother’s vehicle to head to work when he spotted an 18-year-old Fields Corner felon rifling through the glove compartment. Officers quickly arrived and placed the teen in custody.

They discovered he was wearing a black duty-styled belt with three pouches. In one pouch were alcohol pads, in another pouch was a pair of multipurpose pliers and the third pouch contained a large amount of loose change ($45.21). He was also wearing a pair of new purple Asics sneakers.

The victim began to inventory the contents of his car to see if any items may have been missing when he found a pair of rancid puke-inducing, smelly, old green sneakers inside and he noticed the suspect wearing his footwear. The suspect admitted (really) to stealing the sneakers because his didn’t fit (poor baby). He also admitted to breaking into six other cars that night, hence all the loose change on him. But it was awful nice of him to leave his putrid Converse sneakers behind in his victim’s Honda. Probably took 20 bottles of Febreze to get rid of the stench.

The ‘It was a good idea when I first thought about it’ Rorie Award goes to …
Dec. 9, 1:00 p.m.
A 54-year-old Dorchester Goodfellas wannabe strolled into a Lower Mills bank, walked up to a teller and handed her a note which read: “I am Brian, I need $400, I’ve got a gun and a bomb.” The teller hit the panic button and walked off to the manager’s office while the bank robber patiently waited for the teller to return with his money. He was still waiting when Boston’s Finest came through the door and placed him under arrest. His real name is Brian!

Now for the first time ever we have multiple winners for The Stupidest criminal of the Year Rorie Award goes to …
Jan. 5, 9:18 a.m.
Officers responded to the second floor emergency room of the Carney Hospital for a report of several people breaking into the cafeteria and stealing various snacks. On scene the officers spoke to hospital security who showed a video of several young adults with young kids lifting the security gate, entering the cafeteria and leaving with several items.

The officers entered the ER and observed several twenty-somethings with children all eating potato chips and a large amount of snacks on a chair. The three women seen breaking into the cafeteria were told they were under arrest but all three began to fight with the officers. Two young males 17 and 19 years-old then put down their Doritos and jumped on the officers back.

They were joined by a 37-year-old New Hampshire man who had been taking a nap on the floor of the ER and he started throwing punches at the officers who had to call for help and deploy their OC spray to control the group. Six so-called responsible adults were arrested for Breaking and Entering, resisting arrest and A&B on a police officer, among other charges.

A real family story. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Finally I would like to thank those of you who had nice comments concerning the new gaotee I’m sporting. If you haven’t seen it, I would describe my new look as being a cross between Colonel Sanders and Pee Wee Herman’s infamous mug shot.