Today is ‘Ask the Suspect Day’

Way, way back in the 1980s, there was a show hosted by Mr. Bill Cosby called “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” This is the Dorchester version of that show, because “kids that say the darndest things” grow up to be “adults that say the stupidest things.”

Feb. 26, 12:44 p.m.
An off-duty officer reported a hit-and-run incident involving a red Honda at Neponset Avenue and Ashmont Street. An officer at the scene tried to pull the suspect vehicle over and the driver backed up into the cruiser before taking off again. The Honda was finally stopped on Parkman Street and the 21-year-old local loser was arrested. Shortly thereafter it was learned that the car was, in fact, stolen, to which the suspect replied, “I found it; I did not steal it.” What you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

March 4, 12:39 p.m.
An 85-year-old man who resides in the Dorchester Park area called 911 to report a man wandering inside his home. On arrival the victim, who uses a wheelchair, pointed toward the living room where officers found a 47-year-old drug addict lying on the floor. The officers asked the suspect what the hell did he think he was doing, and he replied ‘That’s my father, I live here!” The victim responded “I’ve never seen him before!” The babbling suspect was taken into custody.

March 12, 1:47 a.m.
Officers responded to Barry Street for a call about a drunken man yelling at his girlfriend. On arrival the officers observed the intoxicated, obnoxious boyfriend screaming for his belongings. When he saw the cruiser, he bellowed, “Park the bleep right here” and “the only way I’m leaving is if I’m going to jail and I’m not going easy.” A minute later he was on his way to the C-11 Bed and Breakfast in the back of our police wagon.

March 16, 9:05 a.m.
An off-duty officer living near Humes Road saw a man rummaging through his neighbor’s Saturn motor vehicle. When confronted by the officer, the suspect attempted to grab a bag containing a serrated knife over six inches long. The suspect was charged with breaking into a motor vehicle and possession of the knife and heroin. When he heard the charges against him, the suspect (a true member of MENSA) stated “I didn’t break in the car; the door was open.”

March 17, 12:43 a.m.
Officers assigned to the late-night plainclothes car saw a young woman in the Fields Corner area whom they had arrested before for selling her body to strangers. After a couple of minutes of waving at cars, she climbed into a Nissan and the vehicle took off toward Meetinghouse Hill, turned onto a side street, and backed into a driveway. When the officers approached, they couldn’t help but notice that the driver of the car had his Fruit of the Loom’s around his ankles. The driver begged not to be arrested, stating, “I live in the neighborhood with my family and today is my birthday.” Both were arrested. Did I mention that the prostitute was a man. Happy Birthday!

April 2, 11:45 a.m.
A Melbourne Street man called 911 to report an attempted housebreak. On arrival, the officers spoke to the victim, who stated that he had heard his dog barking in the kitchen and when he went to investigate he saw a teenage male lifting the window. The victim asked the young varmint just what the hell did he think he was doing and the suspect replied, “I’m sorry for your troubles, I’ll trade you this watch for some food.” The suspect fled on foot toward Brent Street. I seriously doubt he was breaking into a home for some food. And I bet the watch was stolen.

April 15, 11:15 a.m.
A man called the security desk at the Carney Hospital and stated, “I’m taking over Whitey Bulger’s position. Whitey’s in Germany and he wants the owner of Carney Hospital to send him money or else.” The call was traced to a substance abuse hospital’s pay phone. So much for my long-ago Whitey/Bin Laden theory!