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Here’s a ‘novel’ way to set off a library branch’s alarm

“Little Orphan Annie.” That was the correct final answer during the Cops for Kids with Cancer Trivia Night. I had the answer, but we didn’t use it and therefore we came in third place. Oh, well, fun was had by all and a great charity made a lot of money. We’ll win in November. Maybe. I knew it wasn’t Brenda Starr.

March 31, 5:36 p.m.
Officers responded to a call for an alarm going off at the Adams Street Branch Library. The building was locked up as tight as a bull’s bum during a thunderstorm and there was no sign of forced entry. Then the officers spotted the object that was setting off the alarm: A 41-year-old local woman was standing in the middle of the library with a sheepish look on her face. It seems that she was so engrossed in the novel she was reading that she hadn’t noticed that the place had closed a half hour earlier. No late charges were filed.

March 17, 10:46 a.m.
A 31-year-old Dorchester woman was strolling up Bowdoin Street when she was confronted by a 34-year-old woman from the ‘hood’ who started yelling at her and accusing the 31-year-old of sleeping with her husband (a charge the latter didn’t dispute). Then the 34-year-old started throwing eggs at her husband’s mistress, splattering yolk all over her body. In response the mistress bit the victim on her lower right jaw, which resulted in a four-stitch gash. Both ladies will be summoned to Dorchester Court. Is this guy worth it?

Feb. 20, 4:30 p.m.
Officers responded to the Carney Hospital emergency room to remove an unruly patient. On scene the officers observed a 47-year-old Chelsea woman yelling, swearing, and pulling out stitches from a small cut. The intoxicated woman then yelled at the officers, “Take me to jail.” So they did. She was arrested for being a disorderly person.

April 15, 7:43 p.m.
The call was for a man standing in the middle of Ryan Playground on Dorchester Avenue pulling his shorts up and down. When the officers arrived on scene, they saw a 25-year-old local man dancing in the middle of the park, swilling beer from a 40 oz. Bud Lite can and grabbing his genitals through his clothing during an awful Michael Jackson impersonation. Three women and six children were present during this drunken display of foolishness. The man refused to put the beer down and also pushed an officer. He was soon in handcuffs and break-dancing in a jail cell. Nitwit.

April 14, 10:30 a.m.
Officers patrolling the Ronan Park neighborhood saw a 37-year-old local lad pushing a black gas grill down Mount Ida Road, which you see about a hundred times a day in Dorchester, right? The officer stopped the man and inquired as to where he got the grill and the man stated that “some guy in a gray truck was parked around the corner” and had given him the item out of the goodness of his heart. Really now. The suspect was wearing a yellow hard hat and carrying a gray gym bag. He couldn’t /wouldn’t / didn’t explain where he got these items or what was inside the bag. The officers decided to take a look and inside the bag they found batteries, scissors, a firearm holster, black gloves, two large capacity gun clips (empty) taped together, and an electronic monitoring device commonly used by individuals who are on supervised probation. But the knucklehead wasn’t on probation and the person assigned to the GPS bracelet, who was no longer on supervised probation, had failed to return the device. All the Mass. Probation Department could tell the officers was that the man they had stopped should not have been in possession of the $2,000 piece of equipment. Seriously, what kind of moron steals a device that tracks your every movement and location? A true Dotwit if ever there was one. The gent faces numerous charges in Dorchester Court.

March 2, 4:09 a.m.
An officer went to a Rill Street home and spoke to an angry woman who stated that her brother took her keys to her Toyota and fled to Brockton. The officer took the report and sent an “all out,” otherwise known as a BOLO (be on the look out), through the Commonwealth to watch out for the vehicle. About 7:44 a.m. a State Police dispatcher called C-11 and stated that at 11:30 that night the victim’s Toyota was involved in a motor vehicle accident in Foxborough and the victim herself was seen by several witnesses fleeing from her vehicle!!! Imagine her trying to pin it all on her brother! That is if the poor guy actually exists. The 26 year old faces several VAL charges in Foxborough as well as filing a false police report in Dorchester Court.

Until next time, take care of yourselves.