By Brian Denitzio
Reporter Staff

For the last three months I've gone toe to toe with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles, regularly devoting more time than my employer would like in a feeble effort to transfer my driver's license from New Jersey to Massachusetts. At every turn I've met with astonishing incompetence that would probably have me laughing if I wasn't slamming my hand in my car door out of frustration.

I can't say I blame the folks down at the DMV. I'd wager some of them started on the job some years ago, eager to provide the public with forms to fill out, and help folks to smile in their driver's license photos. But somewhere around 9:45 a.m. on their first day, it must have become clear there was no accountability, and as a result they've become the punching bags of every two-bit comic hack out there.

Witness the following experiences that I've had with the DMV in the last few weeks, while trying to transfer my driver's license from New Jersey to Massachusetts.

Because my driver's license was stolen this summer, I needed a copy of my driving record to get a license here in Massachusetts. I received the form in the mail, filled it out but noticed that in order to get a copy of my driving record I'd have to include a copy of my driver's license. Just to be clear, in order to get the document that will serve as a substitute for my missing driver's license, I need to include a photocopy of my missing driver's license. Me and my driver's license were close, for sure, but it was pretty shy about having its picture taken, so coming up with a photocopy would be tough. I called the DMV and they told me not to worry, to just ignore the requirement.

Two weeks later, my rejected application was returned with a note attached. The note explained that my application was rejected for failing to include a photocopy of my license.

The day after I received my rejected application, I went ahead and called the DMV again, explained my situation and was told that I didn't need a copy of my driving record. No, no, explained the very confident service rep. What I needed was a letter from the NJ DMV. I was curious about this letter, because it'd never been mentioned before, so I asked what the letter said.

"Sir, I've never actually seen the letter," I was told.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"We don't produce the letters, it's a whole other department that creates the letters."

"If you've never seen it, how do you know that this is the solution to my particular problem?" said I.

"Sir, do you want the letter or not?"

How could I argue with that? So I said yes, I would like the letter and it came in the mail about a week later. It was about as official as a letter from my Mom, asking that her little boy be allowed to drive to work.

With my patience wearing thin and my stomach lining even thinner, I decided that over Thanksgiving weekend I would go to the DMV myself. No better way to realize all that I have to be thankful for than to spend a few hours in the fourth circle of hell.

I wasn't going to be denied this time. I wanted to have all my ducks in a row, all my forms filled out, all the cute little requirements met. I had a few questions, and even though I knew better I called the DMV looking for answers.

I had a question about proving New Jersey residency, since the DMV appeared to have my Boston address as my new official address. I was told to just bring my proof of Massachusetts residency.

"Are you saying that I can get a New Jersey driver's license by proving that I'm a resident of Massachusetts," I asked.

"Yup."

This just didn't seem right to me. I'm a reporter and I just have a sense about these things. It seemed to me that if you received mail, you could get a driver's license in New Jersey. With wounds still fresh from three months of slamming my head into the brick wall that is the reasoning behind the rules that regulate the NJ DMV, I immediately called back looking for a straight answer. I explained what I'd learned about New Jersey driver's licenses being available to anyone who proved that they had a residence of any kind.

Turns out I didn't know what I was talking about.

None of this ended up mattering in the end. The Monday before Thanksgiving the NJ DMV announced on its Web site that it would be closed for the entire Thanksgiving weekend, starting Thursday.

Reporter staff member Brian Denitzio continues to travel the roads of both the Bay and Garden States with no legal documentation of his right to do so.