By Brian Denitzio
Reporter Staff

The most frustrating and emasculating moment of my day comes every morning when I'm naked and barely coherent.

Each day I wake up and step into a shower that I wouldn't wash my dog in, knowing that I'm leaving with first-degree burns over most of my body.

What's worse than the burns is the split second before the blast of scalding water. It's the moment when the water pressure drops.

It's the moment when I know I'm about to lose a patch of hair and there's nothing I can do about it.

The burns are bad, but I moisturize daily and change my bandages regularly.

I just hope my screams don't wake up the neighbors.

When I was looking for a new apartment I had no idea I'd want a walk-in slow cooker, but now I can't imagine my life without it.

Not surprisingly, my huckster of a real estate agent failed to mention that I could cook Ramen noodles without ever turning on the stove.

Speaking of my stove, it would've been decent of him to mention that what would be my new stove has two convenient settings: "off" and "campfire."

There's no simmering of sauces or sautéing in my apartment.

There's also no hair on my wrists.

Still, it's helpful if I wanna fire some pottery or roast a pig on a spit.

The super-slick real estate agent didn't mention the stove either. Which is the kind of thing I'm depending on him for. After all I'm paying him a "finder's fee."

For the record, I actually "found" the apartment myself. That should've freed up time for him to "find" all the ways I could accidentally maim myself during the course of my lease.

Which brings me to another point. I spent a grand total of five minutes looking around my apartment before inking my lease. For the sake of comparison, I regularly stare at the menu at Subway for eight to 10 minutes before getting the six-inch roast beef sub like I usually do.

In retrospect, it might've been a good idea to take a few extra minutes in the apartment. Ya know, to run the shower or turn on the stove. Though it would've been tough to explain how I went to see an apartment and lost my eyebrows.

Brian Denitzio recently renewed the lease on his current apartment.