Hi, folks, it’s been a while, so let’s get on with the festivities. It’s time for the 2013 Rorie Awards! This year’s ceremonies are being held in the mess hall of the South Bay Correctional Institution and the emcees are Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Not much to report fashion-wise, mostly drab orange jumpsuits and a few retro black-and-white stripped ensembles. Each winner, in addition to receiving a coveted “Rorie,” will receive a vacation on a future Carnival Cruise.
The I Can’t Believe They Chased Me Down award.
Jan. 18, 4:40 a.m.
Officers responded to the Cedar Grove –St. Brendan’s area for a report of a man breaking into vehicles throughout the area. The officers spoke to one victim who stated that he saw the suspect break into two cars. The victim approached the suspect and struggled to hold him, but he broke free and fled the scene. A half hour later a man matching the suspect’s description was seen slowly climbing a wall near the Neponset Car Wash. The two officers stopped the suspect, who tried to flee, but he had trouble getting up a head of steam, probably because his front pant pockets were bulging with stolen loot. Specifically, an iPod, a cell phone, packs of cigarettes, earrings, four $20s, seven $1s, numerous scratch tickets, and $101.47 in coins! A penny for your thoughts!
The We Were Gonna Break Up Anyways Award
Dec. 21, 2:51 a.m.
Officers received information that a 31-year-old man with warrants was staying at his girlfriend’s Victoria Street apartment. So, warrants in hand, they knocked on the apartment door. She greeted them with, “He isn’t here. If you don’t believe me, go ahead and search the house.” They found the suspect in the first closet they opened, under a pile of clothes.
The See Some evil, Do Some Evil, Hear No Evil award
Jan. 24, 12:24 a.m.
The call came in reporting a home being broken into on Denvir Street. On scene, officers spoke to the caller, who stated that he heard loud banging coming from the home next to his. He then saw the suspects coming from under the back porch carrying several items. The caller yelled at the men to stop, but they ignored him as if he weren’t even there. How rude. A search for the suspects began, and shortly thereafter two men pushing a sewing machine and a shop vac along Edwin Street (like you see every midnight in Dorchester) were stopped. They didn’t hear the officers approach, probably because both Dorchester men are deaf. The 40- and 32-year-old suspects were identified and arrested. During the booking procedure an officer who knows sign language was trying to give one of the suspects his Miranda rights, but the man refused to look at the officer, even closing his eyes. You can’t make this crap up.
The Abominable Snow Thief award
Feb. 8, 10:12 p.m.
In the middle of a raging blizzard, a pair of officers saw a man pushing a shopping cart down the middle of Dot Ave. They had arrested the man before for breaking into cars. Inside the shopping cart was a large floor sander. The officers stopped the 43-year-old Dorchester local and put him in the back of the cruiser while they tried to find if a vehicle in the area had been broken into, even though the thief insisted he found the sander. Unable to find the sander’s real owner, the officers went to let the man out of the back seat when they saw a GPS lying on the rear cruiser seat. The officers pushed the “home” button and it directed them to a Linden Street home, which had a van parked in the driveway that had been broken into and was missing a GPS and a sander. I’m sure he will be found innocent by a Suffolk County jury.
The Stupidest Criminal of the Year award.
Dec. 8, 4:12 p.m.
A local pizza delivery man called 911 to report a possible robbery on Ridgewood Street. On arrival, officers spoke to the victim, who stated that he delivered some food to a Ridgewood Street man who grabbed the vittles and said “I’m not paying” while slamming the door shut. The victim had the suspect’s phone number, so he dialed it in the officers’ presence. The idiot answered, saying (on the speaker phone) “I’m still not paying; the food was cold.” One of the officers got on the phone and explained to the suspect the consequences of his actions, but the brainiac said, “I’m busy right now” and hung up.
Suddenly, he appeared at the front door and said, “He always brings cold food, so I’m not paying him.” Fine, nimrod, you’re under arrest for unarmed robbery! The 33-year-old suspect is 2012’s Stupidest Criminal of the year for continuing to order food from the same pizza joint even though it always arrives cold. Oh: The bill was $13.35. A most deserved award.