I really don't know what to write about this week. Things have been relatively sane in Dorchester lately. No Manny sightings, no berserk chimps eating neighbors. Actually it's been pretty boring the last couple of months. Good for you, but bad for me, who has to report on our more bizarre incidents. Oh well, I can only write about what I have, I don't make these stories up. So here goes ...

Christmas Eve, 6:53 p.m.

Officers responded to a radio call for a report of a real SOB who broke into an apartment at a large multi-unit building on Coffey Street in the Neponset section of God's country. On arrival the officers were directed by a witness to a rear basement level apartment where they observed the aforementioned SOB trying to stuff a white plastic bag full of Christmas presents out of a bedroom window. Also, sticking out of a living room window (actually wedged into) was a plasma TV. Upon seeing the officers, the SOB took off running toward the hallway where he was subdued by Officer Damberville before the grinch could reach the front door. Stuffed into the suspect's pockets were five watches, a television remote control and a half empty bottle of Captain Morgan's rum. The suspect stated that he was drying clothes at a Dot Ave. laundromat and got bored so he decided to purchase some alcohol in order to celebrate the Lord's birthday. But upon leaving the store he observed a pretty girl walk by and the 45-year-old Romeo started to follow her in hopes of striking up a conversation. But he was rebuffed.

He followed the unknown woman to Coffey Street, entered the unlocked front door to an apartment building and he tried turning the door knobs to four apartments until he found an unlocked one, which he entered and began to ransack. Just like that, just that easy. A perfect crime of opportunity. This lowlife has been identified in another area house break, a scary individual indeed. Thank God he was caught, because I'm sure he wouldn't have stopped breaking into homes or following women and I'm sure laundry day was coming up. Soon.

January 20, 10:26 p.m.

The Bowdoin Street Safe Team responded to a call for a report of a motor vehicle accident at Hamilton and Bowdoin Streets. On arrival the officers spoke to a tow truck driver who stated that he was stopped at a red light at the intersection when a Ford Taurus suddenly plowed into the back of his truck and the female operator of the Ford began screaming at him for hitting her! When the officers attempted to get the woman's explanation they were met with a string of expletives concerning race, sexual identities and points of law. Quite vile.

The woman reeked of alcohol, refused to hand over her license, refused to perform any field sobriety tests and finally came up with this whopper: "You are just mad because Obama got elected." Nice defense strategy. Found inside the woman's car was a bag of pot and a bottle of Cognac. She even berated an EMT who was trying to help her with a bloody nose. The woman was arrested for OUI and possession of marijuana. She ended her tirade with this oldie but goodie: "Hey, I pay your salaries."

January 24, 10:20 p.m.

Officers from the Youth Violence Strike Force, acting on a confidential tip, were in the Uphams Corner area on the lookout for a woman carrying a Louis Vitton bag and wearing a brown jacket. There was allegedly a handgun in the purse. The officers observed a 20-year-old Dorchester woman, who matched the description, walking along Hancock Street. The officers pulled up alongside the young lady, identified themselves and asked to speak to her. She immediately began to sprint away from the officers, which ended briefly before she had gotten very far. Inside the purse was a Ruger .357 revolver with obliterated serial numbers and loaded with four rounds. Her only explanation "I found it behind Rent A Center." So, she was charged with illegal possession of a firearm.

Well, that's what I've got for you this week. It doesn't beat a rampaging, drug addled chimpanzee, but hey, there's always next week. You never know, we might have to deal with a Daddy that never loved me, or a despondent donkey, with an attitude problem. After all this is Dorchester and some two legged donkey will do something stupid and I'll be only too happy to tell you all about it. Take care.