Officer Mike Keaney's C.S.I. - C-11 Report

This one’s for Mary and Eyewitness Gillis. It’s been a while, so let’s see how many nitwits and losers from the long ago we can round up this week.

Feb. 2, 2:30 a.m.
They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, or at least these three: “You’re under arrest.” Let me explain. A Fields Corner architecture business owner came in to find that a then-unknown suspect had broken into three offices and stolen two computer monitors and two surveillance cameras mounted to the walls. Amazingly, the two cameras were found in a trash can down the hall. Area C-11 detectives took the cameras to their office and played the crystal-clear video in them and, lo and behold, who should they see but a middle-aged man with a moustache and two tattoos under his right eye who had been a guest in the C-11 interrogation room just a week earlier! The three detectives and four officers who happened to be walking by all stated the same thing “that’s Michael D!” Well, Mr. Michael D., a 59-year-old Dorchester man, was arrested and charged with breaking and entering in the nighttime.

March 21, 1-1:30 a.m.
A Boston-based funeral home employee was summoned to the elderly housing high rise at 330 Bowdoin St. after one of the residents had passed away. But while the funeral director was busy doing her work removing the deceased, some low-life opened the rear cargo door of the hearse, climbed up through the casket cabin to the front seats and stole the woman’s pocketbook containing personal papers and a GPS system. I hope the GPS gives him good directions straight to hell.

March 9, 8:20 p.m.
The loss prevention officers at the Stop & Shop on Morrissey Boulevard observed a man conceal ice cream and chocolate sauce under his sweater and make a beeline for the exit. After he was stopped there, he turned over the stolen merchandise and was told never to shop again at the market. This agreement lasted about four minutes as the man ran back inside, this time wearing a pair of large black headphones and a bulletproof vest. The man then started spitting at the store employees, shouting, “There’s nothing you can do to me, I’m bullet-proof!!” He then calmly left. Police believe the man could possibly be Dennis Rorie. Just kidding. Maybe.

Feb. 18, 11:05 a.m.
A call was received by 911 reporting an attempted larceny in progress at St. Ann Church on Neponset Avenue. On arrival an employee of the rectory stated that during Sunday Mass she went downstairs to put the collection money into the safe when she observed a bald man carrying a red backpack, wearing a blue Patriots jacket and manipulating a makeshift hook into one of the poor boxes. The hook consisted of several plastic straws linked together and a piece of chewed bubble gum stuck onto the end of the last straw in order to ensnare paper currency out of the cash receptacle. The man fled onto Ashmont Street when confronted, but a minute after his description was given out, the criminal genius was stopped by several officers on Florida Street. When asked “What’s up?” he replied, “Getting myself into trouble, but I didn’t get anything because they told me to leave.” This nitwit couldn’t outwit a hamster. Inside the suspect’s knapsack were his white straw hook and a pack of Wrigley’s Doublemint gum. The 52-year-old South End man was arrested and charged with three felonies.

Feb. 22, 2:15 a.m.
Officers observed a woman walking along Dot Ave, in Fields Corner in the dead of winter with no apparent purpose or destination. A red Nissan pulled up to the curb and after about a 20-second conversation the vehicle sped away with the two of them headed off on a romantic interlude, the best $30 can buy. The officers followed the car to Beach Street where it pulled into a lot, the back row, in the farthest corner, (for privacy I guess, because it makes the moment so much more special). The officers interrupted the new couple, in the back seat of course, and removed them from the car. Upon searching the woman’s purse they found a hand-written note that stated “Please give me 100s, 50s, and 20s. No dye pack please, thanks, I’m sorry.” Thus her afternoon plans were ruined. The 38-year-old female and the 58-year-old Milton Casanova have a new date in Dorchester District Court.

•••

I would like to welcome aboard C-11’s new District Commander Steve McLaughlin, a 31-year veteran of the BPD force who spent the first nine years of his career right here in C-11.

I would also like to mention the passing of Bridget Mary McCarthy, a 30-year employee in the Auto Investigation office at C-11. She succumbed on April 28 after a years-long battle against lung cancer. She was a surrogate mother to all the women and men of District 11. She was much loved and will be greatly missed.


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