Well, here we are again to celebrate the 8th annual ‘RORIE’ awards acknowledging Dorchester’s stupidest criminals, the absolute ‘crème de la crème.’ This year’s ceremony is being held at Florian Hall. The front of the building is illuminated by the oscillating blue lights atop the numerous police wagons transporting the many nominees from prisons throughout the Commonwealth. As I scan the wildly cheering crowds lining both sides of Hallet Street, I see many familiar faces including my girls at the Keystone Apartments led by Ms. Anne Bruno and of course my biggest fan, ‘The Man’ himself, Officer Dennis Rorie. Now, let’s give out some awards, where the winners truly are losers.
The ‘Feet Don’t Fail Me Now’ Award goes to …
April 8, 6:55 p.m.
The C-11 Drug Control Unit observed a 22-year-old Roxbury man standing on the same Codman Square street where he had been arrested for drug dealing once before, so they drove up to him just to say hi. One look at the detectives and the suspect took off running across Washington to Roslin Street. The suspect ran so hard, so fast, that he literally ran right out of his sneakers. There was no need to call out the K-9 dogs; the officers followed the sweaty-feet smell behind a Roslin Street residence and grabbed the suspect along with six bags of crack cocaine.
‘The Mars is Calling’ Award goes to …
The Codman Square Safe Team observed a 44-year-old local man who was approaching different passersby and showing them a fairly new radio. After several such exchanges the officers asked a local security guard what the suspect had to say to him. The guard explained that the suspect had attempted to sell him an AM/FM Radio Shack radio, but the suspect insisted that the radio was in fact a police scanner that could also pick up Air Force frequencies. When the officers stopped the suspect, he claimed to be selling it for his friend “Robert” although the name “James” was written on the top of the device. Now the suspect offered a complete blank stare and couldn’t remember anything. He was arrested for receiving stolen property. Folks, this is the reason we don’t let cousins marry.
The ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ Award goes to …
Valentine’s Day,
8:28 p.m.
A Downer Avenue couple heard their lovebird neighbors arguing outside the home and finally they yelled out the window for the two 22-year-olds to quiet down. This so enraged the male neighbor that he put a ladder up against the house, climbed up, ripped the screen off the bedroom window, and attempted to enter the room. Unsuccessful but undeterred, the maniac and his paramour, now armed with a shovel, began banging on the hallway door, eventually gaining access and encountering the victims. Boston’s Finest soon arrived and arrested the two naughty neighbors for breaking and entering in the night time. Anger Management classes maybe?
The ‘You Broke into a?’ Award goes to …
March 13, 1:06 a.m.
Officers Fancelli and Billotte working in a plain clothes capacity, drove up to the corner of Park Street and Geneva Avenue where they observed a 40-year-old Dorchester man sitting on top of a Boston Herald newspaper stand and a 46-year-old Dorchester man attempting to pry open the box and steal the $4 in quarters inside. Arrests were very swift. This caper must have taken a month’s worth of planning. Dolts.
The ‘Don’t Use a Red Line Train as a Getaway Vehicle’ Award goes to …
March 23, 3:44 p.m.
Officers responded en masse to a report of a robbery at the Citizens Bank in Fields Corner. The teller reported that a man in his ‘40s with a large belly showed a note demanding money or else, then fled on foot toward the MBTA station. Several officers entered the station and observed a 300-pound dude who tried to flee as fast as a 300-pound bank robber can flee, which is to say not very fast at all. Recovered from the 41-year-old homeless suspect was $1,900 and the note. Just imagine the stupidity of robbing a bank and using the MBTA as your getaway driver. A very deserving winner of a RORIE.
And ‘The Winner of the Stupidest Criminal of the Year’ award goes to … a tie!
March 13, 11:50 p.m.
A couple who were at home on Lyon Street watching TV started hearing moaning and groaning coming from the basement area (it certainly wasn’t coming from Ethel and Fred on the TV). When they went to investigate they observed two men having carnal relations on the couple’s washer and dryer with a known Dot Ave. prostitute. They yelled at the three nitwits to stop and leave, but instead, one man pulled a knife and both men tried to attack the husband. The husband, in protecting himself, his wife, and his home beat the living fecal matter out of the two suspects, during which time the prostitute grabbed her pants and fled. The two suspects also fled, promising to return for revenge.
Later, while C-11 officers interviewed the victims, who should pull up to the scene but Dumb and Dumber themselves, complaining that they were the real victims in all this, never mind that they broke into the basement, were having sex with a prostitute on a household appliance, and attacked the man of the house. The two 26-year-old total losers were arrested and charged with ABDW, assault by means of a dangerous weapon and other charges. Both misfits are highly deserving of the coveted 2010 Most Stupidest Criminals Rorie Award!!!
Finally – R.I.P. Gertie Sherlock.
